1) I got a hate email from a "concerned" 40 year old mom. Summary of the email: I cuss too much. I need more Jesus. Blah Blah.
People are always telling other people, "If you want to talk about that, start a blog." Duh. I did. And there's that whole thing about freedom, so you don't actually have to read it. I obviously don't mind if you do, but here are a few things to acknowledge: I'm in college, I tend to be a very sarcastic and opinionated free thinker, and sometimes I like to throw out a bad word or two. It's an Italian thing. Or maybe it's just an Alexa thing. I spend hours with children every day, and say things like, "Do you need to tee-tee? Use your walking feet please! Turn on your listening ears!" And I love it, but sometimes, when I'm writing on my blog or hanging out with college friends, I don't use 4-year-old language. Ya know? Most of the time I do, and it's really awkward when my 21-year-old friend asks me to pass them something and I accidentally respond with, "What do you say?" (In my defense, saying please is a nice thing to do.) ;) It's a day-to-day thing. Sometimes hearing them is normal, as it should be for a 19-year-old, and sometimes it catches me off guard after spending all day with kids. So if a cuss word or two makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want your 10 year old reading them, don't read my blog. Duh. And don't let your 10 year old get on the WORLD WIDE WEB by themselves, silly. I love Jesus, and every now and then I say a cuss word to get my point across. Like most things, I blame my parents. :)
|The top one cracks me up every. freaking. time.|
Even though I shouldn't be surprised, my plans for the summer just completely changed. I was going to stay in Starkville and work until the end of May, then go home for a month for my little sister's high school graduation, the Cacibauda's annual trip to Disney World, and just some much needed, relaxing family time. Then, I had planned to go to Spain in July to study abroad and get some credits for my Spanish minor. Welllll, they picked this summer (of course) to not go in July. You have to go for the whole summer, or from the end of May-the end of June. And (obviously) I can't do either, because I don't want to miss out on Disney and I wouldn't miss Zoe's graduation for anything. I could take the whole summer off of work and find a job in OS for the summer, but it's just easier to keep my job. And I love it more than anything I'll find at home. And I should probably take a Spanish class over the summer. But I'm sad about not going home, because I like being home. And EVERYONE is going home. And I'll probably go home a lot more during the summer than I usually do during the school year, but I know I'll still be lonely! So, I need summer friends. Because let's be real here. If I have to spend 3 months in Starkville without human interaction other than my 3 & 4 year olds, I will slip into a state of depression. So stay in Starkville and be my friend! I'm fun. I'm a wino. I love Netflix. WHAT more could you want in a friend? ;)
|How can you say no to THOSE faces?!|
3) I have absolutely no idea how to leave my work at the door.
Are you reading this and thinking, "Hmm, could I stand being married to Alexa?" If you can't handle me talking about my kids every night when I come home, then your answer is no. I don't know if it's possible to be too passionate about something, but if it is, I have a problem. I can't go to work or go mentor, and then come home and not think about my kids. Especially my sweet 8 year old with a terrible home situation. All I can think is, Did she get enough dinner? What is she doing? Is someone helping her with her homework? Or tucking her into bed? I know most of the answers. The other day she told me she hates going to bed and it scares her. I had a flashback to when I was younger and had the same feelings about bedtime. I was so scared of going to bed. In my old house, the living room was right next to the bedroom I shared with my sister. During one of my I-meltdown-at-bedtime phases, my mom would sit in her recliner in the living room, and every few minutes she would say something like, "I'm still sitting here, Alexa. Good night, Alexa. I love you, Alexa. I'm still out here waiting for you to fall asleep, Alexa." Every. Few. Minutes. It made me feel better for whatever reason. (Lord help me if my children are anything like me.) What kind of crazy mom does that? A damn good one. I know that little girl's mom is not doing the same thing, and that drives me crazy. I can go to bed every night knowing that my parents would run to New York and back for me, and she has never even heard the words, "I love you" from her parents. My teachers always say, "You can't save every kid" and I just want to be like, "WELL WHY NOT?!" Someone tell me why I fell in love with a career that pays nothing and makes me sad.
4) I'm in the middle of another messy break-up with science.
Remember when I confessed my deep hatred for physical science during my freshman year? Well, I'm back. Except this time it's with Chemistry. By now we should all know that I am just not a science person. Part of it is just because that's the way my brain works, and the other part is because I had the worst science teachers in high school. What did my high school chem teacher teach me? The periodic table. That's it. No exaggeration. I spent most of the semester in the band hall. ANYWAY. An angel from God aka a random adviser lady I came across in Allen one day told me I should take this online Chemistry class to get the last 4 science hours I need. I told her I am terrible at science and I really need to find the easiest class possible, but online was convenient because I needed to keep my afternoons open for my job. My friends who are geniuses have a hard time with the Chem classes here, so I knew there was no hope for me. She said not to worry, it's the chemistry class that the football players take. You can take the quizzes as many times as you want until you get a 100. And it's online, so you can use all of your notes and your book on the tests. SOLD. I signed up for the online class and the online lab. Here's how we know I'm an idiot: IT'S STILL HARD. Not like extremely hard, and nothing compared to the normal Chem classes, but hard enough to make me occasionally get watery eyes. ASPCA commercials do nothing for me (I know, I'm a terrible person), but put a science book in front of me and I will cry buckets of frustration. So we'll see how this goes. I will somehow pull off an A, partially because I really hate making Bs, and because I don't want to hear my adviser tell me I'm going to be a shitty teacher (again) because I suck at science. She's so encouraging. :)
5) Getting back into my God groove.
I spent last weekend at Dedeaux with a few of my besties from my SEARCH Team (one of the big Jesus things I did in high school) helping with the retreat. So now I've attended the retreat, worked it as a team member, and helped as an adult. I must admit, even though ALL three times were great, being the adult that helps behind the scenes is fantastic. I got to be helpful, which I LOVE, but at the same time I got to do a lot of relaxing and whatever I wanted. It was a nice break from reality, and I was surprised when I left on Sunday and felt like I had learned something while I was there, even as an adult. So here's what slapped me in the face last weekend.
It's hard to keep a steady relationship with God when you're in college. You're thrown into a big world full of different ideas, you meet some of the greatest people who just happen to not believe in God, and you are allowed to think freely and do what you want. I've developed my own beliefs, and some of them are completely opposite from what the Catholic Church has been pushing into my brain for almost 20 years. Here's the thing though. When that happens, people will try to tell you that you're doing it wrong. If you believe that, you are NOT Catholic and you can't be one of us. (Anyone else flashing back to getting rejected from a clique in middle school?) If you believe that, God does NOT love you. If you do not go to church every week, your relationship with God SUCKS. And they will criticize and judge you so much that you will start to push away. Because who wants to believe in God and go to a place every Sunday when His people are being so damn judgmental? And then it hit me. It was never about them anyway.
It's your relationship. Yours. Not theirs. I have doubts all the time, but I have to believe in something so that I can sleep at night. I have to believe that I get to go somewhere so much cooler than here after this life and be with all of the people I love forever. I'm a warm and fuzzy person, and that's a lot more warm and fuzzy than just dying and ceasing to exist. Right? I love God, I love ALL of his people, and I know that I try my hardest to be the best person I can be. And my God radiates LOVE. And honestly-- I feel God's love the most when I'm with my kids, not being lectured at church. I feel it when my 4 yr olds build a castle of blocks and then look at me with excited eyes and say, "Look Miss Awexa! It's a castle! These little people are us, and this is God and His HUGE castle. And we are these little people because we are small and He is SO BIG. And He loves us so much too!!" THAT is what it's about for me. It's not about how many times you go to church. Some of the best people I know never step foot in a church. It's about the love you show towards His people-- your parents, siblings, friends, strangers-- whether they are bible thumpers, Christmas & Easter attendees, or hardcore atheists.
I got so active in the church world in high school because of the LOVE I felt from my Catholic friends, and the good friendships I made. Maybe if we showed a little more love, more people would want to know about God. I want to know God, but how am I supposed to feel like knowing Him is a good thing when you are criticized the second you aren't doing what is considered "right?"
You don't always have to lecture your friends about God to "save" them. Sometimes you just have to love them.
"Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you." --Anonymous